Monday, July 14, 2008

An Open Letter to People Thinking of Removing Their Superfluous Nipple

Dear Concerned Triple Nipplers,

I've been getting comments on this blog from people (mostly 14-year-olds, for some reason) with a third nipple who hate it and want to get it cut off. (Without their mothers finding out, natch.)

As a male, maybe I look on it a little differently, but I've always found my extra nipple interesting and different, which is a good thing.

If you're a girl, and you're dealing with that whole female-body-image thing, then I'm reluctant to offer advice, because it's out of my element... but here goes:

Plenty of women have three nipples too (check out the archives of this blog -- models, dj's, actresses, pop stars, executed queens...) and trust me, what seems monumentally important at 14 will becomre more and more accepted as you get older.

Besides, isn't it nice to have a quick and easy way to weed shallow assholes out of your potential dating pool?

After all, if someone can't deal with your extra nipple, how are they going to deal with the rest of your unique personality? And if they're only interested in your blemish-free perfect female body, do you really think they're worth your time?

In short, relax. Get used to your superfluous nipple and learn to love it. Find out what special powers it gives you. Mine alerts me when I'm in impending danger, or when the ice cream truck is getting nearer.

I'll never advocate going to a dermatologist to get it cut off, but I hear it's quick and easy. Of course, so is going to the tattoo parlor and getting a third eye stuck in the middle of your forehead. Whatever floats your boat.

Me and my third nipple

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Three Nipples in Tibetan Culture

In Tibetan tradition, an extra nipple can be a good omen!

Three nipples, and other birthmarks, are sometimes indicators of special abilities within the nyingma (ancient) tradition.

Birthmarks and third nipples were a sine qua non (absolutely necessary) condition to prove extraordinary visionary destiny within the tulku (incarnation or rebirth) system.

I'm not making this up, either -- a very kind Tibetan (is there any other type?) named Panchen Kunga (he writes a blog, in French, called Buddhistan at passed this on to me after visiting.

And after hearing how important extra nipples are in Tibetan culture, I figure that's just another reason to loathe the murderous scum that make up the Chinese Communist Party and have been butchering innocent Tibetans for over 50 years now.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Tony Parker has SIX nipples!

Dag, yo, I'm going to have to ditch the good Canadian boy Mr. Steve Nash and start cheering for the San Antonio Spurs.

Thanks to an eagle-eyed reader of this humble blog (this hero wishes to remain nameless), I've got a new post for everyone.

According to this here picture, Tony Parker, all-star basketball player and husband of the muy caliente Eva Longoria, has six nipples.

Go ahead, count 'em.

Of course, we all know that the dudes with the superfluous nipples always get the girls, and this is just further proof.

Hear me all you people out in the Intertubes, desperate housewives love the extra nipples. Three nipples is nice, but six... well, that's just twice as nice, and that makes him three times as desirable as a normal man. I did the math.